A Monster Like Me
by Irk The Waffle
Summary: Total Drama All Stars is over, and Mike should be feeling better than he has in a long time. But the summer's events have opened up a lot of uncertainties he and Zoey need to prepare for. Is it right for him to stay?


**For over a month, I've had the song "A Monster Like Me" by Mørland & Debrah Scarlett stuck in my head. It's not the sort of music I normally listen to, but it's so overwhelmingly _Mike_ that I haven't been able to pull myself away from it. As it usually goes, the song put a fic idea in my head, so here we are. It's not very long - I only really used half the song - and it doesn't follow the lyrics in a rigid structure like "Coward" did. It's a much looser adaptation than "Coward" was.  
**

 **It's also my first Zoke fic in almost six months, and one of my regrettably few fics from Zoey's eyes. I need to do that more often. I neglect the poor girl.**

 **I do intend to finish "Runaway", but I had to get this out of my head first. It wouldn't leave me alone!**

* * *

He was so quiet that day.

Filming for _Total Drama All Stars_ finished the day before, and Mike had been such a chatterbox for the rest of the day. Zoey didn't mind it at all; quite the contrary, she missed her conversations with her best friend, and she happily joined him in making up the weeks' worth of conversation he'd missed. She filled him in on what he missed while locked away, taking special care to mostly focus on lighthearted things, and they speculated about what she should do with her prize money. (Assuming Chris ever sent it to her; there _was_ some mumbling about how a new island wasn't going to come cheap.) Even when they ran out of topics related to the show, they found plenty of ways to catch up, plenty of ways to remind Zoey that the bond she thought she'd lost was just as strong as ever. She even went home with him to spend the night, neither of them eager to part after he'd been gone for so long. Even after all he'd gone through, he still seemed so happy, so relieved to finally be free, up through the time when their heads hit the pillows.

But today, the reality of everything must have caught up with him, for it was now afternoon and he'd barely said ten words to her. If she smiled at him, he'd smile back, but Zoey recognized it as the mask he wore when he didn't want to concern her.

It's not like she could blame him. She couldn't imagine what the past few weeks were like from his perspective, and she understood if he needed some time to process things. She'd let him come to her when he was ready.

Even if he barely spoke, his physical affection hadn't waned, and Zoey appreciated that much. For now, she enjoyed sitting on his couch, reading a book, while he sprawled out over her lap. He rested his head on the couch arm, his eyes closed, while his long legs dangled off the other side. Zoey didn't find this uncomfortable; with his scrawny build, she barely felt any pressure on her legs at all. Instead, she passed time switching her focus between her book and his silent frame, gently rising up and down with small breaths.

"Mike..." she whispered, to no response. She rested her hand on the back of his head to pet his soft, thick hair, then ran her hand further down, over his neck, shoulders, back...

Usually, this would make Mike giggle, squirm, say her name, react in some positive manner. But instead, he remained there in his still silence.

"Are you tired?" she asked. "Maybe you should go back to bed, get some more sleep. You've had a rough time recently."

"I'm not tired," Mike said, his eyes still closed. "I'm just thinking..."

"About what?" Zoey asked as she combed her fingers through the tail of hair that rested on the back of his neck. Mike's response wasn't immediate, with enough of a pause to make Zoey consider asking again. But before her question could leave her lips, Mike spoke again.

"Duncan wasn't lying. When he said he knew me from juvie... well, not me, but... it's true I was in juvie. My body was. So I guess I was. I do remember it a little."

"I see..." Zoey had to admit, she hoped Duncan was mistaken. That wish seemed so silly, looking back. It wasn't exactly a stretch to believe that Mal would do something to land himself in a cell, and Duncan did know Mal's name. She couldn't reasonably deny it. Mike, or someone in Mike's body, had been arrested at some point.

But reasonable or not, a small part of her heart still yearned for that to not be the case...

"I don't even know what Mal did to end up there," Mike said. "I'm not even sure it _was_ Mal, though I can't imagine any of the others getting themselves in trouble like that. I can't remember anything important. I was so young, and everything was such a mess, I'm more surprised by what I _do_ remember. But it must have been bad... and while I was there... I hurt people, Zoey. I hurt a lot of people."

"No, you didn't," Zoey said. "That was all Mal. You didn't have any control over it."

"It's that lack of control I'm afraid of," Mike said. "If I couldn't control him back then, and I couldn't control him during _All Stars_ , then how are people supposed to be safe around me?"

Zoey had no response for this, no magic word that would suddenly make Mike feel confident again. All she could do was stroke his back and hope for this curtain of tension to lift on its own accord.

"Maybe you should go home," Mike said.

"If you're sure you'll be all right on your own..." Zoey said. "I understand if you need some time alone to think about this. You can always call me if you need to talk."

Mike slowly sat up and groaned. The couch creaked beneath him as he moved, until he ended up in a kneeling position, sitting on his feet. He locked eyes with Zoey and gulped.

"I mean..." he started. "Maybe you should go home... and not come back."

Zoey froze and her grip on her book failed, leaving it to fall out of her hand and tumble down to the floor with a light thump. The way it landed would probably rumple the pages, but that wasn't a concern at the moment. She stared open-mouthed at Mike as he kept his eyes on her, his eyes squinting and his teeth digging into his lower lip.

"You... you want to break up with me?" she said, her voice quavering.

"No!" Mike countered loudly. "No, it's not that! I don't _want_ to! It's just..." He hung his head and sighed. "If you want to be safe... then maybe I should. I just want to protect you..."

"I know you'd never hurt me-"

"I can't promise that. Thinking I could protect you on my own almost got you hurt. I can't do that again."

An awkward silence settled over the pair as Mike's eyes shifted to the side, unable to look at Zoey at all.

Mike's voice was almost too quiet for Zoey to hear. "I know you're afraid of me-"

"Don't say that!" Zoey interrupted. "Where did you get that idea?!"

"I saw the confessional."

"...huh?" Zoey asked. "What are you talking about?"

"People were talking about it online. I found the clip this morning," Mike said. "You said you were afraid of me... you wondered if you should leave... sixth episode, remember?"

"...oh." She'd forgotten about that! Did she really say something like that? In front of the camera, no less? "I'm so sorry! I wasn't thinking straight, you were acting strange and I was scared-"

"See?"

"- _for_ you, not of you," Zoey clarified. "I didn't know what was going on, or if I could do anything about it. You already told me the four alters I met were all you had, and I couldn't imagine any of them damaging property or attacking Cam like you were. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know if I was out of my depths... I got scared, and I said some stupid things. I'm sorry."

"It's not like I can blame you," Mike said. "The way I acted... say it was Mal all you want, but it was still my hands... I'm a monster. Of course you'd be afraid of me."

"Don't say that!" Zoey pulled Mike into an embrace. He didn't make any move to hug her back. "You're not a monster! Why would you say that?!"

"I almost killed you, Zoey!" Mike cried out as he yanked himself out of her arms. "More than once!"

"Stop saying that was you, it was Mal-"

"It's the same thing in the end! If you're with me, then you have to worry about Mal, too. I thought I could hold him back, but it's obvious now that I can't. The only way for you to be safe from him is to protect yourself from me. I better let you go. It's for the best."

"Do you want me to leave you?"

"No, but-"

"Then I'm staying." Zoey crossed her arms and planted her feet more firmly on the floor to make her point. "I won't move from this spot until you stop blaming yourself for all that."

Mike gripped his knees and took a series of deep breaths through his teeth. Zoey almost wished he'd cry; the way his face twisted, clearly he needed to let something out. Was he not letting himself? What was he so afraid of?

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Zoey asked, her body relaxing and her brow furrowing. "Maybe it would have been better if we were both prepared..."

"How would that have gone?" Mike countered. "'Hey, Zoey, I just wanna let you know, I once got arrested because one of my alters did something terrible that I don't even remember, and I was stuck there for a while because he kept attacking people and getting his sentence extended. But it's okay, he's gone now, so you don't need to worry about that.' What good would that do? I was sure he was dead. Really stupid of me, I know, but that's what I thought. Telling you seemed pointless. How do you think you would have reacted to that?"

"...I don't know," Zoey admitted. She wanted to say it wouldn't have mattered, that she would have accepted him wholly and believed that he'd try anything to protect her – try anything, and succeed. No matter what happened in the past, Mike was still Mike, and she still loved Mike.

She wanted so much to claim that. And yet...

"I guess... I guess I really don't know," she repeated. "Especially when the relationship was new, and I didn't know you as well... I can't imagine it making me love you less, but even now I'm afraid- for your sake- that I can't handle this. Who knows what this would have felt like a year ago."

"It didn't help how openly disdainful you were of juvie kids," Mike continued. "I mean, not that I'm _offended_ by that, I get it, but... that didn't make me any more eager to talk about it."

"Yours was a tough circumstance," Zoey assured him. "I don't blame you for what happened... when I say I don't like juvie kids, it's because all the ones I knew back home were so shameless about all the people they hurt. They bragged about how they'd gladly do it again. That's not you. It's Mal, but not you. And besides..." Zoey took a deep breath. Should she admit that she knew this part? "I... I know what causes DID."

Mike's body went rigid and he finally stopped staring at the floor. "You- you know? How?"

"I looked it up," Zoey admitted."I wanted to know ways I could help you, and I found what caused it. It's trauma-based, isn't it?"

"Y-yeah," Mike stammered. "Growing up, things... weren't good. They really weren't good. After a certain point, I guess I was willing to do anything to get out... and Mal promised to protect us, and I really didn't know any better, so... I let him. I gave him control. Not that it mattered, he probably would have taken it from me anyway, and I was just a kid, I had no idea what was going on... either way. You kind of know how that turned out."

"I can't imagine what you went through," Zoey said. "I don't even want to know, unless you wanted to tell me. So if you were trying to get away... I can't blame you for anything that happened... maybe juvie was for the best, maybe you were safer there..." Zoey's facade was the first to finally fall. She buried her face in her hands and choked, tears running down her face.

"Zoey!" Mike cried out, and acting on sheer instinct, he pulled her into a tight embrace. "Zoey, what's wrong?!"

"I- I'm sorry," she said with a sniffle as she wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. "I'm not the one who should be upset about this, you _lived_ it... but I think about people hurting you this badly, and I can't stand it... no one deserves that, but someone as amazing as you? You definitely didn't..."

"It's okay. I'm dealing with it," he said as he squeezed her. "At least... I'm trying to deal with it. I guess things could go better. Man... how did it come to this? I remember when you used to call me your prince. Guess you can't do that anymore."

"Why not? You're still my prince. You're just... cursed, that's all. That happens in fantasy, doesn't it?"

"I'm sure it does," Mike said with a bitter frown. "The prince gets cursed, he turns into a monster, and he hurts people until he gets shot in the heart with an arrow."

" _Or_ , the princess sees the beautiful person underneath the curse and does whatever she can to help him. You're still my prince. A rough few weeks can't change that."

"It's going to happen again, Zoey. Maybe in five years. Maybe in five days. Mal's going to come back, no matter what I do. Are you sure that's okay? Can you really stay with a monster like me?"

"We'll take it as it comes," Zoey said. "I don't know what will happen... but I want to be able to handle this. I'll do my best. At least give me a chance."

"What if I hurt you?"

"Give yourself a chance, too. You're not a monster. We'll make it through this... somehow. For now, he's gone. Let me enjoy having you here. We can worry about him later."

"I guess we can do that... I just wish I could promise you'd be safe..."

"We'll figure this out... one day at a time."

Mike kissed the top of Zoey's head, then reluctantly let go of her and stretched his arms above his head with a grunt. "For now, I think I need some rest. Thinking about all this is making my head hurt... my heart, too. I need a break."

"Then get some rest. You deserve it," Zoey said as she kissed him back, trying to match the exact spot he kissed her.

"Can I rest here with you?"

"Of course you can."

Mike sprawled out on the couch again, this time resting his head in Zoey's lap instead of on the couch arm. His legs hung off the edge even more this way, but he didn't seem to mind. Zoey stroked his hair once more as his body relaxed.

"Hey, Mike?"

"Hm?" he responded, already half-asleep.

"Please stop calling yourself a monster. You're not."

"Okay..." he mumbled. "Okay... I'll try."

Mike fell asleep after that, and Zoey made a promise to herself that once he woke up, they'd do anything that had nothing to do with any of this. Not that she wanted to belittle the way he felt, but he wasn't the only one suffering from this. She needed her own break to ignore recent events and bring herself back to the more carefree period of their relationship.

They'd figure out how to handle this one day at a time, and those days to figure it out could be put on hold for a while.


End file.
